Honoring Choices

I woke in the night to shades rattling and a cold breeze coming in the open window and now I see the temp dipped to the 50s in the night. Such a contrast to a few days ago. But I guess I am ready!  It certainly evokes the memory of school supplies, and  the washing, ironing and labeling of new uniform blouses.

I can't say that there is much I will miss about this summer - not like last year when I spent day after joyous day holding the newborn Benj.  Just yesterday I was in a store and heard Coldplay coming from their sound system and I was at once rocking Benj and recalling the sights and even the baby smells of his room.  All along I knew how special that summer was  - to  have all that time to be with J and N and our first grandchild.

Of course what we have experienced this summer is a deep contrast - life vs death. That's the hardest part of dealing with this situation with mom and dad.  I kept my expectations low when we moved them to the assisted loving apartment in July but  not low enough.  I keep telling myself no matter what has happened, they are better off than they were in the house but some days I am not so sure.

I had so hoped they would thrive in the new place - clean, uncluttered , 3 tasty meals each day, served to them in a dining room with friendly faces of people they have known for years, or new faces of people with whom they have so much in common.  I had hoped dad would get the relief he so desperately needs from the stress of being mom's longtime caregiver.  I thought perhaps she would feel safer, protected by trained staff who know what she needs and how to deliver it.  With each new crisis we have stepped in to provide even more help - with their oxygen, their medications, doctors appointments, food, clothing, separation from each other, no request has been denied.  Except their main one - " why can't we just go home."

Why indeed, when we have seen nothing that would indicate they could possibly survive at home.  On my good days I can stay the course with the help and encouragement of my brothers and our spouses.  This is what good and caring children do for their aging parents - keep them safe and cared for by people who know what they are doing.  On the tough days, like today when mother was moved to the nursing home portion of the complex, and she looked me in the eye and said "I never thought YOU would do this to me" I'm not so sure.

I wrote some time ago about choices and how my parents didn't seem to understand how to make choices, or even that they had choices.  So we made choices for them and now they don't understand and they are hurt and angry.  My brothers and I see what is going on as a very real choice between life and death, especially for her.  And maybe by continuing to insist that they just want to go home they are actually trying to make that choice.  We talk a lot about "honoring choices" with regards to end of life issues - maybe, just maybe there will come a day when this is  the choice we will need to honor, no matter what we think.
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