November

As an adoptive parent, I have known for many years that November is Adoption Awareness Month. I'm not sure I have ever done much with this information. And today I learned that November is also National Blog Posting Month. Apparently the serious bloggers attempt to blog every day of the month. Since I have already missed a day I guess I know what that says about me! But it is an interesting idea - blogging every day. Maybe I will try for every week...

This REALLY matters!

What matters most right now is.....I'm going to be a grandma! I/We are all so excited about N and J's baby, due in April. N told us very early, when she was home in late August for A's wedding shower and it is the best secret I have ever kept. I will always remember the sweet smile on her face - the exact place (in my new kitchen) where she told J and me, and the big hug we shared.I know she will be a great mother. The only thing to equal having N as my daughter, is having her be the mother of my grandchild!

My September Song

With all this home remodeling stuff, summer just seemed to pass us by. But I took one last stab at it today when I made chocolate ice cream. Nothing says summer (even in September!) like making homemade ice cream. And just to be sure about the statement we were making - we roasted hot dogs on the grill. Actually, today was a lot about food - and being in my new kitchen. I made two pasta salads and a favorite recipe from our gourmet club of the 80s - a mid-Eastern relish that is best when the tomatoes and cucumbers are fresh. Seasoned with cilantro and toasted cumin seeds, it's an annual event.

But fall is in the air - the bittersweet is about to pop and as soon as the bees quit swarming the hydrangea, I will start cutting those big beautiful blooms for drying.

Speaking of remodeling - these things remain:

* range hood #3 arrived at 30" despite factory specs that say 29 and 7/8" (which is required to fit the opening we have...)

* we are still waiting on final electrical details like switchplates - why are the littlest things the hardest to finish?

* living room furniture and kitchen table are ordered but apparently the economy is recovering nicely and there are so many orders ahead of mine that it will take 6-10 weeks...

* still need to locate and order dining room chandelier and kitchen chairs

* lots of stuff to unbox and put away, lots of cleaning to do

* my new target for completion (everything back in place, everything new arrived) is Thanksgiving

I'm Such a Slacker...

I faithfully read a few blogs and am so in awe of those people who write regularly. There's a lot going in in everyone's life, mine included, and I have all these thoughts running through my head all day long that just seem to escape before I get to the computer. I totally missed the month of May! What has mattered lately? My new kitchen, for one thing. And an EXCELLENT cruise to Alaska with J and our good friends, T & J and B & ML. And C's new house - at least we are hoping it will turn out to be hers! J's beautiful yard is taking shape as it does every spring and summer and yesterday I had my first "hammock time" under the birch tree with the birds all around, and a good book. It doesn't get much better than that!

Colds Don't Matter Too Much

What matters is that it is just a cold. I've been miserable for a few days now and my internet search "how to treat a cold" tells me that the average length of a cold is one to two weeks. Seriously, I played librarian and searched for ways to treat my cold - it's been years since I've had one! Which leads me to retirement - it's much easier to treat a cold when you are retired. You just stock up on tea, crank up the cold mist vaporizer, spray the sheets with lavender chamomile from Bath and Body Works - and get into bed. And you stay there for as long as you like! If you have to cancel plans, you can just reschedule for next week.

Even without a cold, this has been a difficult week - actually, the past few weeks have been. When I started a blog I had no idea death would get so much coverage. C has two friends who have recently lost their mothers, just at that time in life when mothers and daughters have attained complete comfort in their relationship. And yesterday we attended the funeral of a young man who grew up across the street from us. J and his brothers played with our girls and then went on to become a wonderful husband and father to his own sweet children. His death, at 31 reminds us of what matters. And it's NOT a cold, or the complications of financing a new kitchen in these tough economic times, or the broken hot water heater that ruined all the carpeting in the rec room.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

My poor tulips are reaching for the sun this morning and finding only snow. It's hard to believe that it's April 5! Having an early April birthday, I am very aware of how fickle the weather can be this time of year; most of my memories are of the first warmth of spring on my day, but these snowy days sneak in too.

J is so restless as he awaits real spring. He has had his bike and lawn mower tuned up, he has been cleaning out the basement and the garage, and he is "playing in the dirt" as best he can by experimenting with starting garden plants in milk containers. As for me, I am just itching to switch to my spring and summer wardrobe. I keep looking at my favorite purse - a beautiful green bag I used last season but I am waiting for solid evidence that spring is really here before I switch from my current bag. And I need a pedicure! I want to be really ready for the first day I can wear open-toed shoes!

Mothers and Daughters

One of C's college friends, a hockey teammate, lost her mother last week very suddenly when she suffered an embolism. I heard though another mutual friend that several of the hockey girls rushed to be with their shocked friend. I was so struck by a statement the grieving daughter made to her friends: "I don't know how to live my life without a mother," she said. How sad, and how very true for those of us whose lives are so enriched by beautiful relationships with our mothers, and our daughters. This mother and daughter enjoyed an enviable relationship and were in the throes of that wonderful time mother and daughters so treasure - planning a wedding which is to be held in May.

Thinking about this mother and daughter, the beautiful life they shared and the tremendous loss K now knows, I think of my own life. My mother is 85 and I have had her for almost 63 years and I surely don't know how to live life without a her. Even though we have shared a lifetime of experiences, I sense there are still things to do, conversations to speak and hear, gifts to be given. We will never climb through the hole in the fence to sneak into the fair again (yes, we really did that!) and we will never take long walks or shop all day, but I sense that I am a comfort to her now, in the same way she was for me so many times throughout my life.

And I think about me as mother. Yesterday C and I cooked together all afternoon. We made a Korean meal for her boyfriend, JI - bulgolgi, BBQ chicken wings, chapchae, and brownies from scratch! (definitely NOT Korean) She has spent so many years as a student of other things - academics that led to her RN career, sports that made her a champion soccer player and hockey player - and now coach. She wasn't interested in cooking and she didn't have time to spend in the kitchen. I found I am a more patient teacher with her now than I ever was when she was growing up. I didn't like the mess the girls made in the kitchen - flour everywhere - and I was happy that she had friends whose mothers indulged them in making cooking messes. Not me! But now I am thrilled by her interest and treasure the time she spends in the kitchen with me. (We both are looking forward to the new kitchen.)

Today C couldn't sleep much in preparation for her shift tonight so she joined me in running some errands and then we stopped for lunch. Talk turned to her friend whose mother had died and then, even though we didn't speak of it, I had a thought that being adopted (and C is...) must make one extra fearful of losing a parent - something you have already suffered once. We talked about how great it is that we live so near each other and can enjoy such outings so spontaneously.

When C and I are together like this I often think about N. I love it that N has a rich and rewarding life with many friends and JN's family in Chicago but I will always miss having these kinds of days with her. A while back, I foolishly thought that she might be really moving away from me in a way that I can never accept, and she told me in words that I will never forget, that nothing can ever replace what I am to her. What really matters is that I know she feels the same way I do about the distance we must live with - she misses me too and wishes we could have more time together. And the distance will never really separate us - it will never mean anything more than miles.

A Funny Thing Happened - in Target!

I had a surprising experience today while I was shopping at Target and it flooded me with memories of my college friends. I think of C and N and how they already treasure their college friends. In fact, N is in Dublin right now with Philip who has written a play that is being staged this week in a Dublin theater. I'm sorry I missed her call today but she left a message that she is having a good time. But back to my story:

There were just two "upper middle aged" women pushing the infamous red carts in an aisle at Target and as we passed each other we both seemed to take long looks. We both stared, and then she said "Carol Crandall?" (that always gets my attention!) And I (wrongly) replied, "Joan Petzka?" No, it was Sue Chase! We hugged and then blocked the aisle for over half and hour, pouring out more than 35 years of catching up. It was so much fun! We live less than a mile from each other and made plans to walk together soon. Funny thing is, both of us have been walking around the same golf course in the neighborhood for years. I suppose it's a bad sign when you start taking so much random joy in life from looking back, but it sure seems to give me a lot of pleasure most days.

I hope all my college friends are well- or as well as can be in these uncertain times. J and I question the timing, but now that we have decided to stay put and grow old in our rambler we are in the throes of kitchen remodeling (well, the planning part). Some days I get cold feet at the thought of all the expense but I have waited through 2 private high school educations, 2 private college educations and one wedding and I've waited long enough for the kitchen of my dreams. I think I deserve it, being one of those women who actually cooks and bakes on a regular basis. Of course once the new kitchen is in, the rest of the house could look pretty dated so I suppose this is just the beginning!

Retirement from the library world suits me fine but I am enjoying my little adventure in the retail world. I probably spend more than I make but it is fun to get dressed up a couple of times a week deal with people and their problems - just like I did for 40 years as a librarian. Customer service is an interesting world. And I had no idea retail was so complex!

Now we are gearing up for our cruise to Alaska in June - seems like that's the first trip most retired folks around here take. We are going with two of J's retired principal friends and their wives. We are all pretty good friends so it should be fun. And in July we will go to Maine for a wedding and also visit friends in New Hampshire. That will about exhaust the travel budget for 2009!

That's about it from my little corner of Lake Wobegon country, all prompted by a chance meeting between two Teresans at Target. As the famous weather guy says, "what's happening in your neck of the woods?"

An update on my parents: Mom and Dad had their best winter in several. We still can't get them out of the house but we did mange to convince them that they need to accept help from an aid, 2 days a week. They've grown to look forward to "Connie's" visits; she cleans, cooks, makes beds, does laundry and sits down with them and a cup of tea after she finishes her work. J and I or C and I go down one day a week to help out and usually take mom out for lunch, to appointments etc. People ask if I am doing any volunteering in retirement and I think this is the best volunteer job I can have!

Good News All Around

The toughest tests of my annual physical are over now and all the results have been positive. When that CT scan comes back clear, I feel like it's the first day of the rest of my life. Usually I buy into all that stuff about a positive attitude boosting the immune system and setting off killer cells that can gobble up any stray cancer cells, but I certainly have dark times when I'm just not so sure. But not today! I just feel grateful for life.

On the Road Again

On the road again
Goin' places that I've never been
Seein' things that I may never see again,
And I can't wait to get on the road again

So sings Willie Nelson and that's J's theme song for road trips. We've been playing it these past few days as we ramble around Texas. It's been a fun trip, starting with a visit to the George Walker Bush Presidential Library in College Station, Waco and the Texas Ranger Museum, the Texas Hill Country and the LBJ ranch, Fredericksburg where the Germans settled in the early 1800s and the home of a very interesting museum of World War II in the Pacific. We spent a few days with M & R at the "Red Neck Riviera" on the Port Aransas Island. Their RV is parked right next to the boardwalk that leads over the sand dunes to a 17 mile stretch of beautiful beach on the Gulf of Mexico. R stands in the surf each day and catches fish which M cooked for us and we could see why they love this place!

Making our way back to Houston, we went to Galveston to do our part to help their economy by being tourists. We drove for miles looking at the destruction and damage done by Hurricane Ike. Nearly every structure shows the storm's fury and most of the houses along the beach and in nearby neighborhoods are still not habitable. We wanted to stay on the island; it was a beautiful day and there is much history to absorb but the hotels are open only to evacuees.

Today we spent 6 hours at the Johnson Space Center. I have always been in awe of the space program and previously have enjoyed visits to Cape Canaveral in Florida and the Air and Space Museum in Washington DC. My biggest thrill today was being inside a life sized replica of a space shuttle! We took a tram tour of the training facility and actually got to see the Mission Control room.

Every day of the trip has taken us to "places we have never been" and that's the joy of this kind of vacation. We drive the back roads, avoid the interstates and page through the AAA guidebook to see what each small town has to brag about.

This kind of vacation lets you really be "in the moment." It's liberating to get by with the few things you bring along (did you know NWA charges $15 per checked bag?) and it's a vacation, not retirement that says to me "do nothing."

 

With trips to Alaska and Maine coming later this year, we can't wait to be on the road again!

Health or is it Wellness?

I always think about health a lot this time of year. I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease on New Years Eve almost 40 years ago and I always have my annual physical and related doctors appointments starting in January. It's an "anxiety producing" time of year for me. Having cancer at the age of 23 definitely destroys your sense of wellness and I don't think it's something you ever can really get back. I know I never have. I've wasted a lot of energy worrying about my health and sometimes I've needed help to deal with my fears. But I have been thinking lately that as a society we are obsessed with health and I am trying to ease up on all this emphasis on the right foods, the latest vitamins and supplements, the best exercise program etc. and think more about ways to give meaning to my life. Health matters, obviously, but it's how we live our lives that really matters and health doesn't define us.

I have been reading this book "Something to live for" by Richard Leider and he says that "having something to live for, beyond our own self-absorption is associated not only with better health, but also with greater longevity." And maybe being too fanatical about fitness and health is a form of self absorption. I need to think more about this...

Sandwiched Generation?

That's what they call us when we are dealing with aging parents AND children. Right now I think I am more of an open-faced sandwich - at that happy time when my own girls are pretty well established, independent and about as happy as they make their minds up to be. Which most of the time is pretty happy.

But my parents are a different story. Fiercely independent, they have resisted our best efforts to move them to an apartment where they can get more services which would actually support their independence, not thwart it as they fear. But who know's how I would react if someone wanted to move me out of the house I have lived in for over 60 years? So my brothers and I are trying to really listen to them, and attempting to set up home health and chore services which will allow them to stay put a little while longer. Does it matter how we feel about this, or is "what matters" how they feel? Who would really feel better if they moved? Dad will be 88 and he still delivers "meals on wheels to old people" and drags bales of hay to feed the deer in the field across the street from his house. Mother (85) might benefit more from the move - less isolation and loneliness, more variety in meals, more careful monitoring of her health issues - but will she really be happy, if he isn't? I'll be honest - I have a hard time picturing my parents moving anywhere by choice. Sometimes I think it's their generation - children of the Great Depression and young adults of World War II, a lot of things happened to them that didn't involve choice. Contrast that with my life as a boomer, and my children born in the 80's. It's always been about choice with us! Make good choices has been our mantra! We even go so far as to pat ourselves on the back, saying that much of our life is good because we made good choices! But what seems to matter here is that my parents are pretty accustomed to taking what life hands out, without asking for much or expecting anyone to make things better. What matters is that without even knowing it, they have made a choice. And I doubt if they will ever feel it was the wrong choice.

Twelfth Night - January 6, 2009

I both dread and anticipate Twelfth Night and the end of another Christmas Season. I love Christmas but tomorrow we will pack up all the Christmas decorations, and the memories, and wait for another year. I love the traditions - especially the Santa Bears (all 15 of them) who come out of their special hiding place and line the hallway on the Feast of St. Nicholas (December 6) That's N''s patron saint's feast day and we have always celebrated by filling the girls' shoes with treats and surprising them with the return of the Santa Bears. Silly maybe, but always fun for me to thnk of little gifts. I remember the year C wanted an expensive red bra from Victoria Secret (why a teenager would want that, I don't know...) but I bought it and put it on one of the Santa Bears!

And I recall how N, as a little girl was always fearful at Christmastime - she just didn't like the idea of someone watching her, as in "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows if you're awake." This whole idea really freaked her out. She was terrified by the sleigh bells J used to shake when he put the gifts under the tree. (Usually she was in the bath tub and of course that's when Santa came...)

So I tear up and smile at these traditions and memories and was pleased this year to hear N ask if she could have the Swedish figurines some day. J and I have collected them through the years, since we brought the first one home from our trip to Scandinavia in 1976.

And then there are the creches! Two now - the beautiful Hummels, a gift from my parents once my mother collected more pieces than she had room to safely set out. And this year she and dad gave me a new set - bread dough figurines, no less. We saw them at a local craft/art center in Austin and I fell in love with the set. The detail is incredible ands they are shellaced so thoroughly that they should last for years.

Let me introduce myself - not that I can imagine now who will ever read these ramblings. I am a 62 year old retired librarian, married for 40 years to J my retired high school principal husband ( and high school sweetheart) We have two daughters; N who is married to JN and lives in Chicago where she works for a major University and he works for a digital mapping company; C, second daughter is a RN at a local hospital. She has a boyfriend (JI)who spent the first year of their "relationship" with the National Guard in Kosovo and is now finishing his undergraduate degree.

 

I have been thinking of starting to journal and a blog seemed like a more modern approach. I haven't done this sort of thing since my high school and college "dear diary" days so it should be interesting. I have been reading a few blogs lately but my biggest inspiration is Lemmondrops - a young mother who blogged at this site and recently lost her brief struggle with cancer. I never met her, never even commented on her blog but I was so moved by her life. To me she was a modern-day saint although I am sure hearng that would make her uncomfortable. But she touched my life in a special way - most certainly because I had cancer too as a young person but lived to raise my two daughters and experience life in all the ways she never got to. Her life, and death, remind me of "what matters."