One of C's college friends, a hockey teammate, lost her mother last week very suddenly when she suffered an embolism. I heard though another mutual friend that several of the hockey girls rushed to be with their shocked friend. I was so struck by a statement the grieving daughter made to her friends: "I don't know how to live my life without a mother," she said. How sad, and how very true for those of us whose lives are so enriched by beautiful relationships with our mothers, and our daughters. This mother and daughter enjoyed an enviable relationship and were in the throes of that wonderful time mother and daughters so treasure - planning a wedding which is to be held in May.
Thinking about this mother and daughter, the beautiful life they shared and the tremendous loss K now knows, I think of my own life. My mother is 85 and I have had her for almost 63 years and I surely don't know how to live life without a her. Even though we have shared a lifetime of experiences, I sense there are still things to do, conversations to speak and hear, gifts to be given. We will never climb through the hole in the fence to sneak into the fair again (yes, we really did that!) and we will never take long walks or shop all day, but I sense that I am a comfort to her now, in the same way she was for me so many times throughout my life.
And I think about me as mother. Yesterday C and I cooked together all afternoon. We made a Korean meal for her boyfriend, JI - bulgolgi, BBQ chicken wings, chapchae, and brownies from scratch! (definitely NOT Korean) She has spent so many years as a student of other things - academics that led to her RN career, sports that made her a champion soccer player and hockey player - and now coach. She wasn't interested in cooking and she didn't have time to spend in the kitchen. I found I am a more patient teacher with her now than I ever was when she was growing up. I didn't like the mess the girls made in the kitchen - flour everywhere - and I was happy that she had friends whose mothers indulged them in making cooking messes. Not me! But now I am thrilled by her interest and treasure the time she spends in the kitchen with me. (We both are looking forward to the new kitchen.)
Today C couldn't sleep much in preparation for her shift tonight so she joined me in running some errands and then we stopped for lunch. Talk turned to her friend whose mother had died and then, even though we didn't speak of it, I had a thought that being adopted (and C is...) must make one extra fearful of losing a parent - something you have already suffered once. We talked about how great it is that we live so near each other and can enjoy such outings so spontaneously.
When C and I are together like this I often think about N. I love it that N has a rich and rewarding life with many friends and JN's family in Chicago but I will always miss having these kinds of days with her. A while back, I foolishly thought that she might be really moving away from me in a way that I can never accept, and she told me in words that I will never forget, that nothing can ever replace what I am to her. What really matters is that I know she feels the same way I do about the distance we must live with - she misses me too and wishes we could have more time together. And the distance will never really separate us - it will never mean anything more than miles.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
A Funny Thing Happened - in Target!
I had a surprising experience today while I was shopping at Target and it flooded me with memories of my college friends. I think of C and N and how they already treasure their college friends. In fact, N is in Dublin right now with Philip who has written a play that is being staged this week in a Dublin theater. I'm sorry I missed her call today but she left a message that she is having a good time. But back to my story:
There were just two "upper middle aged" women pushing the infamous red carts in an aisle at Target and as we passed each other we both seemed to take long looks. We both stared, and then she said "Carol Crandall?" (that always gets my attention!) And I (wrongly) replied, "Joan Petzka?" No, it was Sue Chase! We hugged and then blocked the aisle for over half and hour, pouring out more than 35 years of catching up. It was so much fun! We live less than a mile from each other and made plans to walk together soon. Funny thing is, both of us have been walking around the same golf course in the neighborhood for years. I suppose it's a bad sign when you start taking so much random joy in life from looking back, but it sure seems to give me a lot of pleasure most days.
I hope all my college friends are well- or as well as can be in these uncertain times. J and I question the timing, but now that we have decided to stay put and grow old in our rambler we are in the throes of kitchen remodeling (well, the planning part). Some days I get cold feet at the thought of all the expense but I have waited through 2 private high school educations, 2 private college educations and one wedding and I've waited long enough for the kitchen of my dreams. I think I deserve it, being one of those women who actually cooks and bakes on a regular basis. Of course once the new kitchen is in, the rest of the house could look pretty dated so I suppose this is just the beginning!
Retirement from the library world suits me fine but I am enjoying my little adventure in the retail world. I probably spend more than I make but it is fun to get dressed up a couple of times a week deal with people and their problems - just like I did for 40 years as a librarian. Customer service is an interesting world. And I had no idea retail was so complex!
Now we are gearing up for our cruise to Alaska in June - seems like that's the first trip most retired folks around here take. We are going with two of J's retired principal friends and their wives. We are all pretty good friends so it should be fun. And in July we will go to Maine for a wedding and also visit friends in New Hampshire. That will about exhaust the travel budget for 2009!
That's about it from my little corner of Lake Wobegon country, all prompted by a chance meeting between two Teresans at Target. As the famous weather guy says, "what's happening in your neck of the woods?"
An update on my parents: Mom and Dad had their best winter in several. We still can't get them out of the house but we did mange to convince them that they need to accept help from an aid, 2 days a week. They've grown to look forward to "Connie's" visits; she cleans, cooks, makes beds, does laundry and sits down with them and a cup of tea after she finishes her work. J and I or C and I go down one day a week to help out and usually take mom out for lunch, to appointments etc. People ask if I am doing any volunteering in retirement and I think this is the best volunteer job I can have!
There were just two "upper middle aged" women pushing the infamous red carts in an aisle at Target and as we passed each other we both seemed to take long looks. We both stared, and then she said "Carol Crandall?" (that always gets my attention!) And I (wrongly) replied, "Joan Petzka?" No, it was Sue Chase! We hugged and then blocked the aisle for over half and hour, pouring out more than 35 years of catching up. It was so much fun! We live less than a mile from each other and made plans to walk together soon. Funny thing is, both of us have been walking around the same golf course in the neighborhood for years. I suppose it's a bad sign when you start taking so much random joy in life from looking back, but it sure seems to give me a lot of pleasure most days.
I hope all my college friends are well- or as well as can be in these uncertain times. J and I question the timing, but now that we have decided to stay put and grow old in our rambler we are in the throes of kitchen remodeling (well, the planning part). Some days I get cold feet at the thought of all the expense but I have waited through 2 private high school educations, 2 private college educations and one wedding and I've waited long enough for the kitchen of my dreams. I think I deserve it, being one of those women who actually cooks and bakes on a regular basis. Of course once the new kitchen is in, the rest of the house could look pretty dated so I suppose this is just the beginning!
Retirement from the library world suits me fine but I am enjoying my little adventure in the retail world. I probably spend more than I make but it is fun to get dressed up a couple of times a week deal with people and their problems - just like I did for 40 years as a librarian. Customer service is an interesting world. And I had no idea retail was so complex!
Now we are gearing up for our cruise to Alaska in June - seems like that's the first trip most retired folks around here take. We are going with two of J's retired principal friends and their wives. We are all pretty good friends so it should be fun. And in July we will go to Maine for a wedding and also visit friends in New Hampshire. That will about exhaust the travel budget for 2009!
That's about it from my little corner of Lake Wobegon country, all prompted by a chance meeting between two Teresans at Target. As the famous weather guy says, "what's happening in your neck of the woods?"
An update on my parents: Mom and Dad had their best winter in several. We still can't get them out of the house but we did mange to convince them that they need to accept help from an aid, 2 days a week. They've grown to look forward to "Connie's" visits; she cleans, cooks, makes beds, does laundry and sits down with them and a cup of tea after she finishes her work. J and I or C and I go down one day a week to help out and usually take mom out for lunch, to appointments etc. People ask if I am doing any volunteering in retirement and I think this is the best volunteer job I can have!
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