One of C's college friends, a hockey teammate, lost her mother last week very suddenly when she suffered an embolism. I heard though another mutual friend that several of the hockey girls rushed to be with their shocked friend. I was so struck by a statement the grieving daughter made to her friends: "I don't know how to live my life without a mother," she said. How sad, and how very true for those of us whose lives are so enriched by beautiful relationships with our mothers, and our daughters. This mother and daughter enjoyed an enviable relationship and were in the throes of that wonderful time mother and daughters so treasure - planning a wedding which is to be held in May.
Thinking about this mother and daughter, the beautiful life they shared and the tremendous loss K now knows, I think of my own life. My mother is 85 and I have had her for almost 63 years and I surely don't know how to live life without a her. Even though we have shared a lifetime of experiences, I sense there are still things to do, conversations to speak and hear, gifts to be given. We will never climb through the hole in the fence to sneak into the fair again (yes, we really did that!) and we will never take long walks or shop all day, but I sense that I am a comfort to her now, in the same way she was for me so many times throughout my life.
And I think about me as mother. Yesterday C and I cooked together all afternoon. We made a Korean meal for her boyfriend, JI - bulgolgi, BBQ chicken wings, chapchae, and brownies from scratch! (definitely NOT Korean) She has spent so many years as a student of other things - academics that led to her RN career, sports that made her a champion soccer player and hockey player - and now coach. She wasn't interested in cooking and she didn't have time to spend in the kitchen. I found I am a more patient teacher with her now than I ever was when she was growing up. I didn't like the mess the girls made in the kitchen - flour everywhere - and I was happy that she had friends whose mothers indulged them in making cooking messes. Not me! But now I am thrilled by her interest and treasure the time she spends in the kitchen with me. (We both are looking forward to the new kitchen.)
Today C couldn't sleep much in preparation for her shift tonight so she joined me in running some errands and then we stopped for lunch. Talk turned to her friend whose mother had died and then, even though we didn't speak of it, I had a thought that being adopted (and C is...) must make one extra fearful of losing a parent - something you have already suffered once. We talked about how great it is that we live so near each other and can enjoy such outings so spontaneously.
When C and I are together like this I often think about N. I love it that N has a rich and rewarding life with many friends and JN's family in Chicago but I will always miss having these kinds of days with her. A while back, I foolishly thought that she might be really moving away from me in a way that I can never accept, and she told me in words that I will never forget, that nothing can ever replace what I am to her. What really matters is that I know she feels the same way I do about the distance we must live with - she misses me too and wishes we could have more time together. And the distance will never really separate us - it will never mean anything more than miles.
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