It is not how old you are, but how you are old. ~ Marie Dressler ~

J asked me tonight, "what does it mean, to grow old together?" I'm not sure it's a question I can easily answer. I don' t know what it will be like for us to grow old together but I do know what I don't want it to be like.

We've been thinking a alot about old age as we work to move my parents into an assisted living apartment, a process I began with my brothers about 3 years ago. Mother has suffered with chronic pain for a number of years and dad has been her caregiver, gradually taking over responsibility for all household tasks - cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. When it became obvious that he too needed help, we managed to convince them to accept assistance with cleaning and some personal care. Continuing declines in their health made it clear that the independence we all have admired at their advanced age, was now a threat to their health and safety. The once tidy and organized home we grew up in became unrecognizable - they seemed overwhelmed by the clutter and the growing stacks of "stuff" that accumulated everywhere. Mother's chronic pain caused intermittent bouts of depression - or maybe her social isolation caused the depression - and that intensified the chronic pain. Dad became frustrated with his inability to make things better for her, despite his best efforts. They began a downward spiral that left them both metaphorically tangled in the yards and yards of tubing from 2 oxygen machines that seemed to hiss at them constantly.

That's what I don't want it to be like.

I never want my children to see their childhood home like that. I promise to pay attention and when I can' t maintain this house, I will move to a place I can manage. I promise to start NOW ( and we already have) to free ourselves from "stuff." I will clean my closets annually and pass on clothes that I am not wearing. I will stock my cupboards and refrigerator with foodstuffs that are only fresh and current. Same with the freezer.

If I don't use it, I will lose it. I am talking about lamps and vases, small appliances and dishes, picture frames fake flower arrangements. I will never ever stack a room full of empty boxes! I promise!

Our health care directives are up to date, even as we struggle to talk to them about these matters they now find overwhelming and, in dad's case, unnecessary.

None of this is to say, between the lines, that I love my parents any less for the chaos they have brought to their lives and ours these past years. In fact I can thank them for showing us how not to grow old. And that's a lesson you can't learn from experience because you don't get a second chance to apply the knowledge.

"Auld lang syne" we sing tonight - we sing for times gone by. 2010 has just hours left now and I count it among the special years of my life - the year in which I became a grandmother to BJM. His birth overshadowed most other events this year, prompting our many trips to Chicago and even holding J to just one trip to canoe country! And that's a first! Other good things happened too: C met D, her gentle giant and we are growing to know and love him as we observe how happy he makes her. We had many good times with friends and family - a 4th of July celebration where B was introduced to his MN family and Thanksgiving weekend where we gathered to welcome him to his faith family in Baptism.

For auld Lang syne, times gone by, we raise a glass and toast a very good year.

They made me feel like I matter!

Most of us live pretty ordinary lives so we are stopped in our tracks when anyone makes us feel otherwise. That happened to me last evening while I was attending a "women's night out" at my church. It was a fun evening - wine and cheese, sitting with some women who have been in and out of my life through the years, and with some younger women I hadn't met before. The entertainment was a peppy musical group - three sisters who grew up in southern MN and now perform original music and poetry about their home and family life. The program turned slightly serious (and I noticed a few ladies slipped out) when the moderator asked us to participate in discussions at our tables about spirituality as we are experiencing it today. We were asked to describe how we deal with stress, how does faith and spirituality help us (or does it?) - what can this women's group do to help etc. I listened (and of course I talked!) but I wasn't prepared to hear the impact my words had on 2 younger women who came over to me at the program's end and asked if I would "mentor" them through experiences I have already survived and help prepare them for other passages. I was curious that their own mothers are alive and well, living nearby and immediately wondered why I, a perfect stranger would so interest them for this kind of guidance. But then I thought of my own daughters and how difficult it is to negotiate all the "roles" we play in each other's lives. Sometimes it's like dancing, we are listening to the same music but hearing the beat differently, and occasionally that results in stepping on each other's toes! Or worse, tripping one another to a fall.
This has happened to me. And it's usually my fault because I have failed to separate the message from the messenger. But I am learning that when they don't take my advice, or they are disinterested in what interests me, this isn't a reflection on how they feel about me as their mother. It simply means they have grown into being their own persons, which is what we aim to do in this parenting stuff, after all! I would never expect my own daughters to be so up front about wanting my opinion but I have to say I was seriously flattered by what happened last evening. And I'm sure looking forward to meeting my new friends for breakfast soon.

Goals for October

1) Work out at the J 12 times and collect $20 from Health Partners

2) Paint the Ralph Room

3) Have Don (electrician) put in another outlet so I can eliminate the ugly cord hanging from the wall mounted tv

4) Visit mom and dad 2 more times this month

5) Go to Chicago to cuddle with the Benj

6) Visit my  homebound neighbor - not because she is so, but because I really like her and want to get to know her better

Back to Blogging

I've decided that I'm not really very good at this blogging business. I think about it alot, and even "write" posts in my head but I seem to have a hard time actually doing it. But one thing I like is that there are really no rules, and it doesn't matter that I haven't been "here" for almost year. I'm ready to go again.

Much has happened in the past year! Best of all is the birth of BJM on April 16, 2010. I really hadn't thought much about what it would be like to be a grandparent and even with 9 months to get ready, there is no way to be prepared for the overwhelming love you feel when your child becomes a parent. N and J shared so much with us during the time we waited for "Bosco" to be born, and they lovingly welcomed us to be there shortly after B's birth. For me, the most touching moment of all was when N turned to me while she was holding her new baby son and said these poignant words, "Mom, this is just the best thing I have ever done."

I've lost track of the number of times J and I have driven to Chicago - sometimes just for the day to hold our sweet baby grandson. I never imagined we would be able to spend so much time with him during these first 5 months and we treasure every memory we have made - all the feedings, the bathtimes, stroller rides (inside and out) and just watching him sleep - in the "boppy" or his bouncy chair, or on his playmat. My personal favorites are the times I have spent rocking him to sleep. I love holding him close, breathing deeply his baby smells. He has beautiful blue eyes and a head of fluffy soft curls that are dark at the tips but becoming lighter underneath so that he looks to have a halo when the sun shines on him. He has the most kissable cheeks! I call him "dollface" or "angel baby" but mostly he has become "the Benj" and like all grandparents we think he is the best, most wondrous baby ever!

November

As an adoptive parent, I have known for many years that November is Adoption Awareness Month. I'm not sure I have ever done much with this information. And today I learned that November is also National Blog Posting Month. Apparently the serious bloggers attempt to blog every day of the month. Since I have already missed a day I guess I know what that says about me! But it is an interesting idea - blogging every day. Maybe I will try for every week...

This REALLY matters!

What matters most right now is.....I'm going to be a grandma! I/We are all so excited about N and J's baby, due in April. N told us very early, when she was home in late August for A's wedding shower and it is the best secret I have ever kept. I will always remember the sweet smile on her face - the exact place (in my new kitchen) where she told J and me, and the big hug we shared.I know she will be a great mother. The only thing to equal having N as my daughter, is having her be the mother of my grandchild!