J asked me tonight, "what does it mean, to grow old together?" I'm not sure it's a question I can easily answer. I don' t know what it will be like for us to grow old together but I do know what I don't want it to be like.
We've been thinking a alot about old age as we work to move my parents into an assisted living apartment, a process I began with my brothers about 3 years ago. Mother has suffered with chronic pain for a number of years and dad has been her caregiver, gradually taking over responsibility for all household tasks - cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. When it became obvious that he too needed help, we managed to convince them to accept assistance with cleaning and some personal care. Continuing declines in their health made it clear that the independence we all have admired at their advanced age, was now a threat to their health and safety. The once tidy and organized home we grew up in became unrecognizable - they seemed overwhelmed by the clutter and the growing stacks of "stuff" that accumulated everywhere. Mother's chronic pain caused intermittent bouts of depression - or maybe her social isolation caused the depression - and that intensified the chronic pain. Dad became frustrated with his inability to make things better for her, despite his best efforts. They began a downward spiral that left them both metaphorically tangled in the yards and yards of tubing from 2 oxygen machines that seemed to hiss at them constantly.
That's what I don't want it to be like.
I never want my children to see their childhood home like that. I promise to pay attention and when I can' t maintain this house, I will move to a place I can manage. I promise to start NOW ( and we already have) to free ourselves from "stuff." I will clean my closets annually and pass on clothes that I am not wearing. I will stock my cupboards and refrigerator with foodstuffs that are only fresh and current. Same with the freezer.
If I don't use it, I will lose it. I am talking about lamps and vases, small appliances and dishes, picture frames fake flower arrangements. I will never ever stack a room full of empty boxes! I promise!
Our health care directives are up to date, even as we struggle to talk to them about these matters they now find overwhelming and, in dad's case, unnecessary.
None of this is to say, between the lines, that I love my parents any less for the chaos they have brought to their lives and ours these past years. In fact I can thank them for showing us how not to grow old. And that's a lesson you can't learn from experience because you don't get a second chance to apply the knowledge.
